A picture speaks a thousand words...

 Sometimes I wonder if I jinx myself anytime I open my mouth or write a blog entry about what the "plan" is because it always seems to change right after.

I got a call back from the specialist (Dr. McClune) today after getting a chance to get another opinion from another physician.  Turns out nobody showed up for the conference today except for one other doctor who happens to specialize in lymphoma.  When we met with Dr. McClune on Friday, he started off by reading back to me everything he knew about me based on medical files down to my family history, and any conditions family members have/had.  He gave me the play-by-play of how my diagnosis came about, and did an exam on me to hear my breathing, listen to my heart, and check my reflexes.  Everything checked out fine.  Dr. McClune was missing my last PET scan though, which he was able to obtain sometime after the appointment.  In his words, "a picture speaks a thousand words..." which essentially changed his mind regarding the recommendation initially presented to us.  He was not only concerned about the new growths, but also said it was unusual.  Okay...call me sensitive but "concerned" and "unusual" are definitely NOT words a cancer patient or ANY patient for that matter, wants to hear in a discussion regarding their health, and in my case - the mass.  He said based on the scan, his recommendation has changed to an "auto transplant" (aka: autologous stem cell transplant).  I am NOT thrilled.  In fact, I'm kinda sorta freaking out about this.  I don't like that the "plan" has changed.  I'm a planner, and was just starting to pump myself up for the radiation, which was the initial recommendation.   Something clearly concerned the doc for him to now decide to take a different route as I'm apparently "there" in terms of needing more aggressive care, and that in itself scares the $#%* out of me.

 Josh and I agreed and even expressed to Dr. McClune that we'd do whatever it takes to rid my body of this cancer, so if he decided to take the more aggressive route of the two, we'd do what he said.  I don't have to be happy about it, and I think it's ok that I'm feeling the way that I am, but in the end, if he thinks my chances of getting rid of these stubborn tumors is greater with the auto transplant vs. radiation, that's what we're going to do. Period!

So what's the next step?
As of now, the scheduling department at Hubert Humphrey are in the process of getting me scheduled for yet another PET scan for sometime next week so that we can see where this tumor is at.  I guess Dr. McClune's decision will really depend on what this tumor is doing.  If it appears smaller (doubtful), then we can revisit radiation.  If it's the same size or growing, it's on to the transplant.  I hate to be Miss Debbie Downer, but I see a transplant in my future, which means an extended stay at the hospital.  It can take a few weeks for blood counts to recover after something like a stem cell transplant, and the last thing the doctors want is me exposed to the elements, making myself vulnerable to infection, which could be lethal.

Can you hear my sighs from over there?  That'd be frustration.  Oh!  And please...don't forget exhaustion.  My eyes are bloodshot and puffy from the water works this evening, and my heart briefly palpitates, which is a sign to me that my body is anxious.  My heart is fine.  It's just one of those things I've always dealt with when under a lot of stress.   So how do I combat stress?  I put myself in a "time out" per se.  I put on pj's (matching ones are optional) and I crawl into bed to watch mindless TV...preferably something that's funny.  Laughing is so good for the soul!

Tomorrow is a new day...