It's almost 2:45 (CST) in the afternoon, and as I sit here, I can't help but cry.  These are tears of sadness, anger, and above all fear.  My appointment today with Dr. Londer was not what I expected.  I've been feeling so good recently that I was looking forward to hearing good things.  Instead I received news that my cancer is growing back in a couple of spots.  I think what Dr. Londer said is this can happen with 1 in every 5 patients or so.  Guess I'm lucky number 1.  I'm so upset right now that I could scream, but all that comes out are tears with an occasional breath of air every now and then. 

I know that God has a plan for me, and I have to trust in Him and trust that He knows best as He holds my hand on this journey.  I'm just really struggling right now.  Why is this happening?  Why is this cancer coming back?  Here is my positivity for the day so pay attention because it's all I can muster up at this time.  Right now both spots that are showing up on the scan are apparently about the size of a pea (maybe slightly smaller), so it's not like it's out of control.  Also, the cancer isn't spreading outside of the chest mass to anywhere else in my body.  These bits of information are good news if you want to discuss cancerous spots that have decided to return in my body.

I'm currently waiting for a phone call to get in with a specialist at the U of M to discuss taking a more aggressive approach such as an internal bone marrow/stem cell transplant and if they want to do this, would we go ahead with this before any sort of radiation, or if they think we should go ahead with radiation first.  If we did any sort of bone marrow/stem cell transplant, it would be using my own bone marrow, and not from a donor.  I honestly can't even believe we had this discussion today.  In my eyes, this was supposed to be a good day...a day to rejoice that I've made it into remission.  The room was eerily quiet as we held on to Dr. Londer's every word.  I was in a bit of shock, and couldn't get myself to turn around because I knew my mom was having a hard time with this news and knew I'd lose it if I looked at her.  I think I began processing everything after we got out of the room and headed to the lab for blood work.  That's when the tears started.  I couldn't fight it.  At this point I got straight up pissed off...mad that my body is doing this to me, and that I can't move forward with my life quite yet, leaving this cancer in the dust.  Thank goodness for Josh and my dad.  They were the strong ones today trying to keep some positivity in all this.

What if I never experience what it's like to be in remission, or hear the word cured and Stephanie Madson in the same sentence?   What if this disease takes me from those I love?  The thought of not being around for Josh and even our kitties tears me up to the core.  Lord, give me the strength to continue putting one foot in front of the other, and allow me to find some sort of peace within myself so that I don't allow this bump in the road to swallow me up whole.  That goes for my family as well. 

When will I get my happy ending?