God is Good & the Power of Prayer is Real

My PET scan results were AMAZING!!  I am still in shock and on cloud 9!  In my heart I knew that there just had to be some improvement based on how I've been feeling, but when Dr. Londer did a side-by-side comparison of the scans showing no active cells I was floored!  I had no words.  He said that there could still be active cells that are just not being picked up on the scan because they're so small, so we'll definitely continue some form of treatment plan.  It just may be altered slightly based on how good I'm reacting to treatment.  This may mean a trip to the U of M to get their take on what the best form of treatment may be in my case.  Option 1 would be that we just continue with what we've been doing, finishing out all 12 treatments, and then no radiation. Option 2 is that I have a few more treatments putting me at 8 total, and then a round of radiation straight to the chest mass to kill whatever is left.  The downside to radiation is that it's a localized form of treatment so if there were other spots left in my body with active cells, the radiation wouldn't hit those spots whereas chemo hits all locations where there is cancer.  Also, with radiation, Dr. Londer said there is a very small chance I could develop breast cancer later on in life since it'd be hitting the chest where obviously being a woman, I have breast tissue.  Being that it'd be one round of radiation, there isn't too much concern, but they still need to tell you the risks.  I have a few more treatments and another PET scan to go through before a decision needs to be made, but that's currently where we are at.  The mass may always be in my chest even when this is all said and done, but the important thing is that everything will be dead and take the form of scar tissue if anything at that point.

It was just all around a good day after receiving such good news from the doctor, and to make it even better, a very special friend that I met through her husband back in 2007 drove 3 hours today to visit me at Hubert Humphrey during my treatment.  She too as fought and kicked Hodgkins Lymphoma in the butt, and oddly enough also had the same Oncologist and nurse during her journey so it was nice she got a chance to catch up with everyone while she was there.  She shared stories of her journey including struggles she faced, fears she had, and the success of coming out on the other side.  She's a mom of 2 little girls too.  The perfect role model to look up to as I'm on my way to being cancer free!  Megan - Thanks for making the long haul today!  You're such a strong and amazing woman! 

For those of you who know me well know that my faith is somewhat of a new thing that has been developing over the course of a couple years now.  I wasn't raised in a very religious home, not that my parents didn't try because they definitely did. I just wasn't receptive to it at the time so church wasn't in all honesty a comfortable place to go when we would.  I just felt so out of place which is sad when I think back on it now because I feel so much peace when I'm there now.  When Josh and I started this journey of finding our church home we were told by several people that when you go through hard times and all else fails, you always have your faith and support of your church community to lean on.  They were so right!  Mt. Olivet is our church home and we just love it there! Pastor Beth came to our home before round 4 of treatment just to spend some time with us for a while and she brought me a beautiful purple shawl from the church, which is beautiful and so thoughtful.  Little did she know, purple (violet if you want to get specific) is the color for Hodgkins Lymphoma.  Call it a coincidence if you'd like.  I'd like to think it's a small way of God letting me know he knows what I'm fighting and that he's with me every step of the way.  When I wrap that shawl around my shoulders, it's him wrapping his arms around me.

Pastor Beth - if you're reading this, I just want to thank you again for taking time on a busy Sunday to meet with Josh and I.  It meant a lot to both of us! =)

God is Good!

...and now we wait...

You're probably wondering how the PET scan went on Tuesday.  It went fine. All in all it's about the easiest procedure to have when compared to having a port put in your chest, or a bone marrow test. You check in, answer some standard questions, they put an IV in your arm to take blood and make sure your blood sugar levels are good, inject a small amount of radiopharmaceutical, and then you literally hang out in a dark room for 45 minutes before they bring you into the room where you lay still for another 20 minutes. Some people sleep, but not me!  Even with the warm blanket on my lap and around my shoulders, I closed my eyes and my mind began to wander.  First I thought about food (naturally!).  You can't eat or drink anything (besides plain water) 6 hours before the scan so by the time 9:15 rolled around, I was STARVING.  I then started thinking about Friday and proceeded to play out all the possible scenarios in my head.  Good AND bad.

Even though I'm sure the results will show good things, I still wonder what I'll do if it doesn't.  What if the steroids and drugs are simply just holding the cancer at bay vs. melting it away?  I don't think I can honestly handle receiving bad news at this point in time, especially since I've been working so hard at remaining positive, and have been feeling so good.  I'm trying not to get ahead of myself here, but this is the result of making me wait 3 days for answers on this PET scan!!  It's torture.  My mind starts to go places it shouldn't.  I need to just keep reminding myself to breathe...take things one day at a time...and stay OPTIMISTIC. 

Have you ever experienced happiness and utter sadness at the same time?  It seems like everyone I know these days is either pregnant, or recently had a baby.  If it's not pregnancy announcements or birth announcements, it's postings of adorable baby pictures on Facebook.  My Facebook is literally covered in everything BABY.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm so happy for others who are experiencing such joy in their life right now.  What a blessed time! It's just a reminder that the journey I'm on right now is the absolute opposite of wonderful.  Could you say that I'm jealous?  Absolutely!  Are there times when I wallow in my self pity?  More than you know!  First I feel bad for myself, then I get angry that I'm going through this, and then something inside of me tells me to snap out of it, put my big girl pants on, and deal with the hand I've been dealt.  So that's what I do, and that's what I'll continue to do.


Life is...

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is a beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is life, fight for it.

-Mother Teresa

No news is good news...

Well...here we are.  It's Sunday night already and it's back to work first thing tomorrow morning.  Is it too early to declare that I have a case of the Mondays?

I can't believe it's been over a week since my last blog entry.  It's been pretty low key here in the Madson household lately so I haven't had much to share, which I guess is a good thing, right?  This weekend was supposed to be the weekend we head to Faith's Lodge (http://www.faithslodge.org/) and offer up our assistance with whatever the staff needs help with.  Typically it's outside chores like racking leaves, cutting down dead trees, and in this year's case planting new ones.  We go every year with my dad's side of the family, and have the greatest time.  It's one of the most rewarding experiences to be able to help out.  You can tell that it means so much to the staff when we're there, and it gives me that warm fuzzy feeling inside.  Unfortunately this year Josh and I decided it'd be in our best interest not to go with me just now getting over this nasty cold I've been fighting, and Josh being in a full leg brace due to a sprained muscle on the side of his knee.  The poor guy has been training for a half marathon all summer long and then gets an injury that takes him out 3 weeks before the run.  He's frustrated by the whole situation and he has a right to feel that way. This may be God's way of telling him he needs to slow down.  Between working full time, going to school for his MBA program (thankfully done in December!), heading to all my appointments with me, and training for a half marathon on top of it all?  It's just too much!  I am so proud of him and all that he has accomplished, and continues to accomplish.  Maybe 2012 will bring better luck for us hon! 

My first PET scan is scheduled for Tuesday morning, and I'm hoping and praying that there are significant changes from this scan and my original scan.  I have to tell myself that it's ok though if the changes are not significant as long as we're progressing in the right direction to avoid disappointment.  I won't get the results until Friday when I go in for my 5th round of chemo.  I think I'm going to be a nervous wreck! Every time I think about the appointment my heart starts to race, and my eyes well up with tears.  I can't help but be fearful, but I just need to focus on the positive - the heaviness in my left arm is gone and I've regained feeling in my fingertips, I can take deep breaths without feeling the need to cough, and just feel all around better than I have in quite some time.  This has to be a good sign, right??  Please say extra prayers for me this week!

4th round of chemo - Check!

Today was yet another successful chemo day, and I'm feeling good (outside of this cold)!  My chemo nurse Amy was back so it was nice catching up with her.  She sure was extra talkative today, but that's good!  It means she feels comfortable enough around us to share her life with us.  Each time we're there, I learn something new about her.

My mother-in-law, Sharon joined us this morning in all the fun that Hubert Humphrey has to offer.  Is it strange that I feel a sense of peace going to the cancer center?  It probably has to do with 1. how wonderful everyone is there.  Sharon got to see first hand how friendly they all are.  And 2. I associate this place with healing and getting better.  I put my health and trust in these people, knowing that I'm in good hands when I walk through the door.  I think it was nice for Sharon to be able to put faces with names of people I've been talking about up to this point like Amy and Dr. Londer.  I'm so glad she was able to join us today.  It may not be the first choice of fun places to hang out, but we had a good time, and shared some laughs over hot tea.  There may have been food involved along the way as well...=)  Thank you Sharon!  It means a lot that you were able to be with me today. 

The cookie guy didn't stop by this week.  It was the first time since my chemo has started that he hasn't stopped by.  I still don't know his real name, but apparently he's known as the cookie guy around the office so I guess that's what I'll continue referring to him as until I get a name.  Oh, who am I kidding?  The cookie guy is so catchy!  Even if I did find out what his real name is, he'll always be the cookie guy to me.  I learned something new about him today.  Apparently he was a patient himself at Hubert Humphrey.  It makes me wonder if while he was going through treatment, if there was someone who inspired him, someone who he referred to as the cookie guy or gal who touched his heart with their homemade treats ultimately giving him the idea of paying it forward someday.  The cookie guy has inspired us to follow in his footsteps once I come out on the other side.  Who knows? Maybe we'll end up inspiring someone else, who will turn around and inspire someone else to pay it forward. 

"Nothing is more powerful than an individual acting out of his conscience, thus helping to bring the collective conscience to life."  - Norman Cousins

Who's got the funk?

I've got the funk!  Yes...the sickness that has been spreading all over the office like wild fire.  Symptoms being: sore throat (probably due to the drainage in the back of my throat), and sinus pressure due to it being stuffed up (yet runny).  Lets not forget the crud in my throat.  It's lovely! I suppose it was really only a matter of time really.  Purell baths just weren't cutting it.  I called Kate (Dr. Londer's nurse) and told her about my symptoms in case they wanted me to come in and prescribe me antibiotics.  I don't have a fever (thankfully) so they didn't think it was necessary.  They just advised me to pick up some Sudafed and we'd touch base on Friday when I go in for chemo round #4. 

Can you believe I'm already a month and 1/2 in with chemo and getting ready for round 4? And with my hair still in tact (kind of).  I wonder if round 4 will take care of what hair I have left. If it does, it does. I know I asked the same thing about round 3, and round 3 did thin it out quite a bit, but you'd never know just by looking at me.  I had my wig appointment with DK International yesterday and they shaped up the one I purchased there along with a couple others I've either gotten at the American Cancer Society or from others.  I'm debating whether or not the one I purchased needs to be toned down a bit though.  It's quite blonde, and I'm not used to seeing my hair that blonde anymore.  It's the hair I've always wanted!  My aunt Kim sent me a couple that a friend of hers had when she had cancer (thanks Kim!) and I think I'll actually end up wearing the shorter one of the two.  The other one is going to my best girlfriend Sarah who says she's shaving her head.  Now how many girlfriends do you have that would actually shave their head for their friend?  This girl is amazing and I love her dearly!  I keep telling her it's not necessary, but she says it's something she's doing, so I think that's awesome.  You can still opt out Sarah!

Did you know there is actually a National Bald & Free Day that exists?  Yes, really.  This year it's on October 14th.  Check out this link - National Bald & Free Day   Josh and I have been playing around with the idea of having a head shaving party here.  Josh says, "as long as you're bald, I'm going to be bald".  What a guy huh?  Since there are others who are interested as well, why not make it an event and have fun with it?  Of course, shaving your head is not a prerequisite for coming to the event!  It's just more fun if you do ;)  Haven't you heard bald is the new blonde?  They have the most fun of all! 

Well...my prediction about my hair was correct.  Ever since the last round of chemo, my hair has started falling out at an accelerated rate.  I've noticed it start to thin out around my hairline especially, but the hair is falling out from all over my head causing me to clean out my hair brush on a daily basis.  My scalp has been really sore all over the past few days, and I've been told that when this happens, the hair tends to really start falling out.  This just stinks.

I still have a difficult time keeping my emotions in check when my hair is the topic of discussion, but I know it'll grow back when this is all said and done.  Like I've said before, losing my hair is all a part of this process of getting better.  I just don't like not having a say of whether or not I want to lose my hair.   In a way I'm looking forward to getting rid of the hair because right now it's just a constant reminder to me that I have cancer, and who wants that kind of reminder in their life?  Not me! I'm 27 for crying out loud!  I should be experiencing the joy of starting a family or taking a fun vacation with my husband; not battling cancer.  This may be the point in conversation where I'd say, "it's just not fair!" but I know that life isn't fair.  We're all fighting some sort of battle, and my battle is no more or less important than yours.  Things like this make us appreciate the good things in our life that much more, and gives us a new perspective.

I've been taking some long walks while it's still nice out, leaving my iPod at home so that I can really take in the beauty of what's around me - The sounds of people raking the fallen leaves or the laughter of children playing in them,  the crisp air in the morning and the sun's warmth on my face in the afternoon.  It's my time to clear my mind, to reflect on life, to speak to God, or all of the above.

When I go in for my forth round of chemo this Friday, we will schedule the PET scan which will give us a good indication of how well the chemo is working and if we're on the right track.  I feel pretty good these days, and pray this cancer is melting away!  The overwhelming amount of support and love you have all provided Josh and I is truly amazing and continues to give us strength and hope.  Even my Oncologist keeps telling me how good I look and that I'm really doing well throughout this whole process which is encouraging.  The side effects have been minimal from chemo and I've been able to continue a fairly normal work routine this whole time.  There are a lot of things I don't know, but what I do know is that this cancer chose to mess with the wrong woman!  I've got too much living yet to do in this world =)

3 rounds down...

Round 3 of chemo went well yesterday!  I was pretty tired afterwards so once I had a little lunch, it was nappy time!  Josh and I watched a little TV in bed, and it didn't take long for me to doze off into LaLa land.  I got in a good 3 hour nap which felt great!  When I woke up, I thought for a brief moment, maybe I'll go outside for a walk or run since it's so beautiful out, but decided I was hungry again so food took precedence (naturally!) =)  By the way...I'm now up 10 of those 14 lbs I lost. Darn it!  Maybe I should have opted for the workout.  I guess that just means that my elliptical and I will be spending more quality time together, along with my 8 Minute Abs/Arms/Buns/Legs DVDs from the 80's.  80's = Spandex.  Lots of Spandex!  I'm glad to know it's not a prerequisite for the DVD to work...or maybe it is and that's why my buns and abs don't look anything like this!  Oh well.  You win some, you lose some!

Amy, my chemo nurse, was on vacation this Friday so another nurse, Allie, was assisting us.  We got to talking and it turns out that she just recently moved from Maple Grove.  Not only Maple Grove, but the same townhouses that Josh and I currently live in.  Small world!  It's a shame we didn't meet each other before her and her hubby moved out.  I think we would have gotten along well, and made new friends.  I'm sure I'll see her around though on chemo Fridays, so that'll be nice.  Everyone at Hubert Humphrey is just so friendly and down to earth.  You can tell that they really enjoy working there, which makes the patients feel comfortable...or as comfortable as one person can be in this environment.

There is this cookie guy (still don't know his name) that comes around every other week and hands out fresh, homemade cookies to patients.  This is not helping me keep my weight down by the way, but I'm not one to turn down a free cookie...ever!  I think it's really neat that he takes the time out of his life to do this for us.  I'd love to follow in his footsteps when I'm cancer free and no longer coming to Hubert Humphrey.  It's all about paying it forward, and brightening up someone's day.  Some patients who are there for treatment are completely alone.  Now doesn't that break your heart?  I couldn't imagine going through this process by myself.  By bringing in goodies, it'd be my opportunity to create small talk, and if anything, make the time go by a little faster for them. 

The last two chemo Fridays, there have been a couple younger girls there.  One who appears to be around my age, and the other a high school student.  It makes me sick seeing someone who is in high school going through something like this.  As if high schoolers don't have enough going on in their lives, not saying the rest of us don't, but you remember high school.  It can be a rough go for some!  You're trying to figure out who you are and where you fit in to this world we live in, and to have to battle cancer on top of it?  No thank you!  At least I made it through all my schooling, settled down and got married to a wonderful man, and found an amazing job before my battle started.  It just makes me realized how blessed I really am, and that things can ALWAYS be worse.