My home for the next 3 weeks...

I survived my first week of radiation, and I can report that outside of slight fatigue, it was a breeze!  Radiation is everyday Monday through Friday and then I have the weekends to myself.  I was able to get an extra day off with it being Labor Day weekend, but I'll be back at it tomorrow again. 

Outside of radiation,  things have been fairly busy for Josh and I, but we're not complaining.  We're enjoying being able to be out and about more, catching up with friends and family that unfortunately had to take a backseat for a while there while I was in my 30-day recovery period from the stem cell transplant.  I can't believe I'm already at day +73.  June seems like forever ago at this point!  Where did the time go?

I have my follow-up PET scan at the end of September (the 28th) with results on October 3rd, and I have to tell you - I'm totally freaked out.  This PET scan will tell us if I'm officially in remission after all sorts of harsh chemo, a stem cell transplant and 4 weeks of radiation.  I don't even like admitting it, but I'm struggling to maintain a positive mindset that everything will work out for me.  I want more than anything to believe this cancer is long gone, and I need to believe this cancer is gone.  Unfortunately I don't see myself being able to chill out until I receive confirmation that yes, this cancer is indeed gone.  I think my caution comes out of being overly optimistic when I finished my ABVD treatments, only to be crushed by news that I was already experiencing a cancer recurrence within a month of my chemo ending.  This should not happen, and even Dr. Londer told me that in all the years he has been an oncologist, he has never seen this happen.  Why do doctors even tell patients things like that?  Nothing about that statement gave me the warm fuzzies, and what good did it do me by telling me that? All it did was assist in fueling my anxiety.  I feel like such a hypocrite at times because I'm the first to tell people going through tough times to remain positive, and here I am struggling to do the same.  Don't get me wrong.  There are definitely days when nothing can pull me down.  I just seem to have hit a rough patch.  I CAN and I WILL beat this.   I CAN and I WILL beat this.  I CAN and I WILL beat this. 

It has been a while since Josh and I have been able to make it to church so this Sunday was our day to get back into the swing of things.  It felt good!  I always feel refreshed and energized after attending and hearing the wonderful sermons that Mt. Olivet so often delivers.  Pastor Beth - You're a big part in why we love Mt. Olivet so much.  You never fail to make Josh and I feel so welcome when we see you.   I promise I really don't cry all the time even though it looks that way sometimes ;).  You've really touched my heart.  You were there in the beginning when I was newly diagnosed with cancer to offer support, delivering that beautiful prayer shawl to my home.  And you've been there ever since waving at us from across the room in church when our eyes meet, sending emails just to check in, and making references to my blog that you follow.  Thank you for being so amazing!