It's Friday, which means one thing - time for a new blog entry!  Every now and then I like to read through my old blog entries along with the wonderful comments I've received from some of you, and I noticed a trend.  Friday's seem to be my day of choice for writing something new.  I didn't plan it this way by any means.  I think I just get busy during the week, and the next thing I know it's Friday again, and I have a chance to relax, and reflect on the week and what I have coming up in regards to appointments and what not.

So what's next on the agenda?  Here's the scoop - I have a PET scan the morning of March 5, which is a Monday at 10:30 I believe.  I'm not getting nervous for the actual PET scan itself.  That's pretty easy breezy.  It's the results I'm kind of nervous (scratch that)...petrified of.  I should get those on the 6th or 7th.  I have definite fears and shall I say it? ... Doubts even, which I hate to even admit.  I'm not supposed to have doubts at this point, and am doing my darnedest to hold on to some sort of positivity and optimism.  Look how good my follow up scans have been (see pictures below)!  Why should I think this one would be any different?  Well folks, it's because that's simply how I roll!  Dr. Londer told me that the chances of this type of cancer moving in the opposite direction at this point is small, and this is what comes to my mind - "So you're saying there's a chance?"

Scary to think I had all that cancer invading my body at one point.  No wonder I felt so crummy!  It actually brings tears to my eyes looking at this.  All those raw emotions resurface after all this time when I think back to the day Dr. Londer showed me what we are dealing with here.  I thought to myself, "How am I EVER going to come out of this?"  I remember my back was towards Josh and my mom, and when I turned around, I could see fear in their eyes.  No words were needed.  We were on the same page. 

This next scan will tell us so much, and it feels so 'final' if that makes any sense at all.  With the 2nd and 3rd scan, if cancer showed up, I knew I still had chemo treatments left that could zap whatever was hanging on for dear life.  I'm pretty sure there will be at least one round of radiation regardless of what the PET scan shows.  I was almost against it when the discussion was initially brought up, but now I'm hoping we can go ahead with it to kill off whatever may be lurking in the background that's not being picked up by the scan.  I'm looking for a cure remember?  Not a temporary treatment.

As the days go by and I get closer to March 5th,  I become more paranoid of every little ache and pain in my chest and back.  As I mentioned in a previous blog entry,  I think it's going to take me some time to get over feeling like this when it's all said and done.  In the kick off for our team-in-training event one person in particular really spoke to me.  A man in remission from Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma to be particular.  He was in remission, relapsed, and is now in remission again coming up to his 5 year marker, which would consider him technically "cured" in the world of Lymphoma.  When he got up to tell his story, he said, "they could fix what was in here (pointing to his chest), but they couldn't fix what was up here (pointing to his head)".  I wanted to yell out, "I know the feeling!".

I thought I was hypersensitive before with how in-tune I am with my body, but this whole cancer business is kicking it into another gear.  I'm still experiencing the shortness of breath, and when I take a deep breath it's almost like I feel pressure/constriction in my upper back.  I'm not liking this one bit!  Honestly, if I wasn't experiencing these things I think I'd be feeling a little more at ease.  I just want the fears to subside, and wish God would give me some sort of sign that I'm going to be OK.  Maybe He has, but I'm blind to it because my fears get in the way.  I actually had some sort of encounter last Thursday night.  As I tossed and turned trying to fall asleep I experienced what felt like someone grabbing my forearms and pressing gently down on them for a moment.  It was the strangest feeling, and something I've never experienced up until that point.  It startled me causing my body to jump.  I thought for a second maybe it was Josh, but when I looked over at him, he was fast asleep with his back towards me.  Whatever it was hasn't happened again since, but I did fall asleep rather quickly afterwards.  Was this God speaking to me, possibly telling me to relax already? =)

I don't think I ever told you how my MUGA (heart) and Pulmonary Function tests (lungs) went.  Everything checked out just fine! *happy dance*  I was sort of surprised by the lung one with all this shortness of breath.  Until I'm told otherwise, the way I'm attempting to keep my sanity is by telling myself that these issues are due to the air being so dry right now, and the fact that I'm allergic to dust, which can be a problem in the winter.  I just read something recently saying that many people who have allergic rhinitis (all my issues start in my nose!) can develop allergic asthma.  This would make perfect sense, and I'm hoping that's the case.  I guess we'll find out soon enough what the (hopefully good) word is!  Please think happy thoughts for me!

Before I hit the almighty PUBLISH button to close out for the evening, I want to leave you with a new picture of yours truly...with HAIR!  It's really starting to come in, which makes me quite happy!  I'm not quite to the point where I'm confident leaving the wig at home, but I don't think it'll be long at this rate.